War inside of me.

Assalamualaikum & hello people :)

Secara jujurnya, saya taktahu kenapa tergerak hati nak tulis post malam ni. Maybe sebab rasa macam sedih, for no reason? Why can't I be happy for others' happiness? Or maybe like others?

Tiba-tiba rasa sedih sebab someone who I knew just found his happiness. Haha, jahat! Yup, tak sepatutnya saya rasa macam tu, sebab kebahagiaanlah yang saya doakan hari-hari untuk dia. Mungkin ni bukti Allah tu Maha Adil, Maha Mendengar & Maha Berkuasa atas semua kehendakNya. Dan saya terfikir, kenapa nak sedih, at least Allah dengar apa yang saya mintak. Hehe.

Kadang-kadang bila dah sampai limit, saya suka persoalkan benda yang tak sepatutnya.

"Why can't I be pretty and confident like other girls?"

"Why my skin can't get clear as I tried everything recommended by people?"

"Why my result didn't get better every semesters though I study harder?"

"Why am I always have problem with managing my expenses?"

"Why can't I understand what Drs have taught in class?"

"Why people leave me?"

and many more...

"Am I not good enough?"

Thanks Allah I'm still here living but sadly keep sinning and repenting. Shame on me. Hati dan minda seolah-olah tengah berperang. Kadang-kadang marah dengan apa yang tertulis olehNya tentang nasib-nasib diri ni. Kadang-kadang bersyukur Allah masih gerakkan hati untuk sentiasa mencari Dia bila tiada siapa yang faham apa yang dilalui.

Bukan nak kata saya tak ada orang yang sayangkan diri saya. I have a lovely family and good friends around me, tapi bukan semua benda boleh kongsi sama-sama. Complicated. Something somewhere in my heart, that cannot be expressed by words, only Allah knows what's happening there. Yes, still it cannot be expressed here. 

P/S:

Tak apaaaaaaaaa, I'm quite okay. Haha. Mungkin impak tak boleh jawab quiz pharmacology kut tadi? Haha. I love you all, so much. I'm sorry if I ever hurt anybody here, whoever you are, the one who read this post, again I'm sorry.